


Out of the Loop

by TenMinuteLove (inkwellAnomaly)



Category: Evillious Chronicles, The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, the good place AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2019-11-30
Packaged: 2021-01-16 17:27:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21274952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkwellAnomaly/pseuds/TenMinuteLove
Summary: Four souls, trapped in a loop. I think we've seen this story before.EC The Good Place AU ft. the Court End Crew. A text game run over Discord.





	1. Season One

You open your eyes. You're sitting on a sofa in the middle of a plainly-decorated room - what appears to be a waiting room outside an office. Painted on the wall is a message: **Welcome! Everything is fine.**

The door opens, and an elderly woman in an ornate gray kimono walks out. "Julia? Come on in."

> ==>

You sit down. Luna tells you that, long story short, you're dead, and that you're in the afterlife. You ask her which afterlife to be exact, and she tells you you're in The Good Place, a neighborhood designed by her for the souls who lived virtuous lives.

"Now dearie, do you have any questions?"

>what is the answer to life the universe and everything

She looks at you, a bit shocked.

"That's quite the query! Basically, every action you performed on Earth had a corresponding total of negative or positive points. You, Julia, amassed enough points to make it here!"

"That's not what I meant--"

"Come walk with me, won't you? I'll tell you about everything!"

You soon find yourself walking through the neighborhood's streets with Luna. She explains how it was designed to basically be a paradise for all the residents in it.

>x self

You're in your usual get-up, your hair tied back and wearing your signature red polo shirt and ochre pants. There doesn't seem to be anything your pockets, what with you being dead and all.

>how did i die?

"For embarrassing or traumatic deaths, we usually erase those memories so as not to disturb the individual. But if you really must know, you haggled with a bouncer at an exclusive bar, argued you were tough enough, then went inside and slipped on an ice cube."

"...Wow. That does sound like me."

"But it doesn't matter! You dedicated your life as mayor of your hometown, cleaning up the streets, cracking down on crime, and putting up an orphanage!"

You... didn't do any of that stuff. There must be some sort of mistake. Do you even belong here, in The Good Place?

>no

Fuck, you don't. Gotta sell it. You've done this before, right Julia? Shouldn't be any different than conning all those old rich idiots when you were alive. Just gotta be convincing enough to fool an immortal being who may or may not be an angel.

Luna keeps on blabbering about the neighborhood and how it was designed. She eventually leads you to what she says is your home, a modest cottage with... oh God. Modernist architectural design and pictures of octopi. You hate octopi so so much. Why.

"Oh! And one more thing. Each person in this neighborhood is assigned a soulmate. Julia, I present your soulmate. Come on in, Gammon."

A peculiarly-dressed, bescarved man steps in. He waves to you sheepishly, and extends his hand.

"Nice to meet you, Julia."

>who the hell do you think you are

Luna tells you she'll leave you to get acquainted, and leaves. It's just you and Gammon in your living room now.

"Alright, scarf-face. Who the hell do you think you are?!"

He looks puzzled.

"E-excuse me...?"

>actually don't answer that, I'll answer it for you  
>I think you're hot stuff, your move

"Actually, don't answer that. I'll answer it for you. I think you're hot stuff, your move."

What are you saying?? You don't know. You're pretty heated right now. Geez, Julia, an hour into the afterlife and this is what you're thinking about?

Gammon loosens his collar.

"Miss Abelard, I know we're supposed to be soulmates and all, but... shouldn't we take this a little more slowly? Get to know each other more?"

>i dunno how this soulmate thing works  
>so let's just figure it out as we go :3

"I dunno how this soulmate thing works. So let's just figure it out as we go :3"

"I'm not sure what you just said at the end, but all right, hahaha..." Gammon laughs nervously. "I really am honored to meet you, Julia. I read all about your humanitarian efforts! You really turned Rolled around during your term as mayor. I'm a professor of political philosophy in Levin University in Boston, and I'd say you've really done a great job!"

>recall if you actually did a good job

None of that is true. You weren't a mayor of a small town in California, you weren't even that great! You were a special effects artist for a hot-shot director who, for some reason, but explosions every five minutes in his movies, as well as an online scammer. Not exactly bad, but not good either. There's something seriously wrong here. Must be some mistake. Maybe The Good Place meant to get some other Julia Abelard, and got you by accident.

>look him in the eye  
>move in for a kiss  
>put your hands on his hips  
>secure your grip and suplex him  
>primary lotus

As Gammon keeps rambling about the good deeds you supposedly did on Earth, you move in for a kiss and, using your special wrestling knowledge courtesy of that online masterclass you once took because you were bored, you suplex him. He falls on the ground with a thud, unconscious.

There's a knock on your door. Must be your neighbors.

>eat gammon  
>serve him for dinner  
>to your new neighbors!  
>eat the evidence

Just as you're about to open the door, a green-haired woman lets herself in.

"Hello, Julia! Luna was telling us you'd recently moved in, and we just wanted to congratulate you! I'm Margarita; you probably knew me when I was alive. I was a famous philanthropist, botanist and celebrity! I'm here with my soulmate, Adam!"

A blue-haired man in a lab coat walks in as well. He nods to you. Doesn't seem to be the talkative type.

Margarita's eyes fall on the unconscious Gammon.

"Oh no! Whatever happened here?"

>I got a little too enthusiastic

"I... got a little enthusiastic, hehe." Gotta keep your mild-mannered persona.

"Doing what?? Adam, we should definitely call Allen! Maybe he can get Gammon some medical attention!"

>trying to eat him  
>make air quotes around the word eat

Margarita blushes, and puts her hands over her mouth.

"Oh my!"

>ara ara

"I didn't know you speak Japanese! Haha, we should chat sometime. I'm a polyglot myse-- wait there's still an unconscious man there!"

>tap gammon on the shoulder thrice  
>"hey hey are you okay?"

You do so. No signs of waking up. It seems he's out cold.

"Oh dear, Adam, we should do something! Gammon needs some help right away!" Margarita says, still flustered. "This is definitely something we need further assistance on. I'd help myself, but I don't have any access to my medical supplies right now!"

>do you even need medical attention in not-heaven?

You ask that aloud. Margarita looks at you with an expression of confusion and concern.

"Clearly you do, darling. My goodness, Julia, we have a man lying unconscious on the floor! That's it, I'm calling him in. Allen?"

There's a "ping" noise, and a blond young man in a vest suddenly appears.

"Hi there."

>"doctor i diagnose him with dead"

Margarita, thinking that you're referring to her (she was a world-class doctor, after all) looks at you.

"We're all dead. We're in the afterlife. That's kind of the point."

Adam nods. You're starting to dislike these two.

>Dude, what the hell?  
>this is my house  
>you cant just pop in  
>Also, I think this guy is dead  
>double-dead

You turn to Allen.

"What the hell, man? You can't just pop into my house like that."

"Well, you did call me here. Margarita said my name. That's how you summon me," Allen replies. "Anyway, is there anything you need?"

"Uh, yeah. I think this guy's dead," you say, gesturing to the unconscious Gammon. "Well, double-dead. Whatever. Can you fix him?"

>hey can you die again here

You ask it to Allen.

"No, you cannot, in fact, die again here in The Good Place. The closest thing you can get to dying is get sent to The Bad Place, where you'll be tortured for all of eternity in the most gruesome way imaginable," Allen says with a smile. Kinda creepy. "But that's impossible for you, of course. Everyone belongs here in this neighborhood!"

Right.

>==>

There's another ping sound, and Allen brings out a pamphlet. He waves it under Gammon's nose, and he comes to.

"Foucault's panopticon! Wow, what happened...?"

You ask Allen to see the pamphlet. It's for recruiting people into this organization called the Tasan Party. Huh.

>whats a tasan and why does it party?  
>am i invited to this party?

Gammon answers your question.

"Well, to put it simply, it's a political organization I founded. We hold demonstrations for different things - climate change, reproductive health, LGBT rights, everything! The Tasan Party also supports politicians whom we consider to be in line with our values."

"Oh... That's... Cool." You don't know much about politics.

Gammon is silent. He's unsure of how to react to your very neutral statement.

"Ahem! Anyway, now that that's settled, Adam and I would like to formally invite you to our neighborhood welcoming party, held at our mansion. We're right next door to you two! Well, toodles~" Margarita says as she walks out the door with Adam.

Allen, also sensing his duty is over, disappears from the room with a ping, leaving you alone with Gammon.

"...Wait a minute. I vaguely remember you grabbing me and then flipping me over like some sort of wrestler. What the heck, dude?!"

>flex on him. literally flex your Muscles

You attempt to flex. Kind of hard to do in a flannel shirt, but you manage.

"What is... Happening right now... Miss Julia, please. You're not making any sense."

>intimidate

"Look, buster. Do you know who I am? I am Julia forking Abelard, and I don't-- Wait, what? Fork. Fork. I meant to say fork. What the fork?!"

"Ah, that's the thing. I don't think The Good Place lets you swear."

"Motherforking shirtballs! Son of a bench!"

You utter some more censored expletives for another ten minutes.

>what's he doing now. did he even stick around

He's just there on the couch, patiently waiting for you to finish your last string of curses that end up just being harmless words. Man, way to kill someone's vibe. Who knew heaven could be such a drag.

"Are you done?"

"Yeah, I am."

"Alright, good. Now, Miss Julia, I don't know what exactly you're trying to achieve, so I'll go ahead and say it. We are soulmates here in this afterlife. We're essentially stuck with each other for eternity, whether we like it or not. If we're not going to be at each other's throats, that means we have to get along. And for us to get along, you need to start making sense. Can I ask that of you?"

"...Fine. I'm sorry for being so weird."

"Glad that's settled. Now, what do you want to do before the welcoming party, soulmate?"

>arson  
>set things on fire

"I wanna burn something."

"--Excuse me?! Julia, that could greatly disrupt the neighborhood and get us into some serious trouble! Do you have any non-destructive ideas?"

>think of more creative insults since these motherflapping censors wont let us reach lowhanging fruit

"I've got a better idea. I will slather you with honey and leave you to the ants."

"..."

>please tell me there are cats in The Good Place

"I think there are. You can ask Allen for one, although I'm not sure if he can retrieve living creatures. It's worth a shot."

>fluck it let's go exploring  
>alright Cat Hunting Time

You spend the entire afternoon searching the neighborhood for cats with Gammon. Unfortunately, the only cats here are already owned by the residents, who aren't exactly willing to give them up.

A shame. You absolutely adore cats.

>resolve to begin oplan catnap after the party  
>Do you want to build a drug lab~  
>Or steal some cats from all these dweebs~  
>realize your true career path as a drug dealer for cats

Selling drugs to cats in the afterlife sounds fun. Should be the same as selling to people. Heh.

You make a mental note to find a bunch of cats and take a collective nap with them after attending Margarita’s stupid welcoming party.

You and Gammon find yourselves as Margarita and Adam’s lavish mansion, adorned with impressionist art, marble columns and flowering vines. Margarita stands at the center of the crowd, preparing to make an address.

You also see tables lined with sumptuous food. Although what strikes your interest the most is a milkshake fountain. You love milkshakes.

>monopolize the milkshake  
>chug 223 milkshakes in  
>in one sitting  
>you are dead and have naught to lose

You chug a ton of milkshakes. If milk had alcohol you’d be drunk by now. Thankfully it doesn’t, although you make another mental note to make a spiked milkshake tomorrow.

Gammon tries to pull you away, but you refuse. Milkshakes are your one true love.

“Attention everyone, attention! I’d like to formally welcome everyone to the neighborhood,” Margarita announces. “Joining me are my soulmate Adam, and the architect without which any of this would be possible, Luna!”

Luna stands from where she is and acknowledges everyone’s applause. She begins making a long, drawn-out speech about the neighborhood, how she came to design it, and what it truly means to be a good place.

>try not to fall asleep from boredom

Yes. Not only to sell your goodie-goodie act, but also because falling asleep when someone’s talking is just plain rude. It’s pretty hard though... Oh God, your eyelids are getting heavy...

You pinch yourself to stay awake.

>look around  
>is there anything interesting going on here?

Just a bunch of people chatting about what they did while they were alive. Pro bono lawyers, philanthropists, human rights activists... ugh. They’re all so boring.

If you didn’t know any better, you’d say this was hell. Specially designed for you.

>then you gotta.... Make It A More Fun Place >:3c starting with the kitty weed ring

Against better judgment, you pull Luna aside after her speech. Your intuition tells you to minimize interactions with her as much as you can, so that you don't accidentally give yourself away. But your love for all that is good and feline wins out over basic survival.

"Say, Luna... I've got a proposition for ya."

"What is it?"

"Cats and catnip. Just fill the neighborhood with 'em. Trust me."

Luna rubs her chin. "Cats, you say... I'll look into it. No promises though, dearie."

You tap her on the shoulder and thank her for all of her hard work. She returns the thanks, none the wiser! Man, you are killing this.

Gammon eventually finds you just as the party's winding down.

"It'd be rude of me not to escort you home. Do you want to go already?"

>"oh i wanna fucking go, alright"

"Oh I wanna forking go, alright. You and me, man. One on one."

"...I'm not really interested in fighting you," Gammon says, sighing. "I wouldn't be much of a challenge, anyway. So, what do you want to do? Do you want to stay?"

>no  
>let's just go  
>wonder if any catnip grows nearby

You leave the party without saying goodbye to Margarita. God, she's so annoying.

As you walk back to your place, you wonder aloud if there's any catnip growing by.

"I'm not sure if there is any, but you can just ask Allen to get you some," Gammon suggests.

>raise eyebrow  
>you can ask for that?  
>what is he, the universal servant?

"I guess? I've only been here as long as you. But yeah, according to Luna you can ask Allen for anything, and he'll get it for you."

"Wow. What is he, some universal servant?" you remark.

"Something like that. The servant of something. It's on the tip of my tongue. I can't quite say what it is... Anyway, I'm glad you're finally making sense, Julia. I really would like to get to know you."

Although touched by Gammon's heartfelt response, your mind wanders to your master plan of selling catnip to cats. It's the perfect crime.

>ask allen for catnip then

"Hey Allen?" you ask into the void.

"Hi there!" Allen says as he appears.

"Holy fork! Ugh, I need to get used to that. Anyway, could you get me some catnip?"

"Sure!" With a ping, Allen hands you a bag of catnip.

"Do you need anything else?"

>what kind of catnip is it? fresh?

It's regular catnip, the kind you can get at the pet store. Nothing remarkable about it, really.

>about 500 cats, thank you and please.

"I'm sorry, but I'll need some time to get that request. In the meantime, here's one cat."

Allen gives you a red-haired Abyssinian. You squeal with delight.

>CAT

Everything else fades away. You are holding a cat in your hands. She's so cute! Oh my God you are going to love her forever. You resolve to stay here not just for yourself, but for this cat.

"If there's nothing else, I'll be back in my void. Call if you need me!" Allen says, disappearing with a ping.

You eventually reach your doorstep, cat still in your arms. You should probably name her.

>IRINYA  
>THE FIRESTARTER  
>FLUFFY  
>FIRST OF HER NAME  
>QUEEN OF THE ABYSS  
>BREAKER OF VASES

"Welcome to the Abelard family, Irinya the Fluffy Firestarter, First of Her Name, Queen of the Abyss, Breaker of Vases and Mother of Chaos. Or just Irinya for short."

The cat meows in delight. She seems to accept her new name! IrinaABC was your online handle back in high school, back when you'd hang out on cat owner forums.

"Welp, this is where we part for the night. Good night, Julia. It was nice meeting you," Gammon says.

Anything you wanna tell him before he leaves?

>pay the proper respects to your new queen (irinya)

"Gammon?"

"Yes?"

"You should pay proper respects to your new queen," you say, holding Irinya up to him. She meows.

"That's cute, hahaha. I'll be off."

He walks off into the night, presumably back to his apartment.

>==>

You get Irinya settled into your house, however horrible it may be. Octopi decor. You're still not over it. Seriously, yikes. Further proof that the "Julia Abelard" meant to be here is clearly not you.

You eventually change into your pajamas, and get ready for bed, bidding Irinya good night.

>==>

You wake up to the sound of screaming and someone banging at your door.

>"ugh... five more minutes..."

You go back under the covers. Unfortunately, you can hear Gammon shouting from the other side of the door.

"Julia, please open up! Everything's gone haywire out here!"

>deck whomever's outside  
>that'll show them

You open the door, and promptly slap Gammon in the face. That'll show him for waking you up from your precious sleeping time.

"I'm not going to react to that. Julia, I think you should take a look outside."

He leads you out the door, and what you see is... utter chaos. Milk is raining down from the sky, and feral cats run around chasing the other residents. Wow.

Luna runs by, sees you, and calls out to you and Gammon. "You two! Emergency neighborhood meeting! Margarita's mansion, now!"

>stretch out your arms and laugh and laugh and laugh

You stretch out your arms and laugh maniacally, like some sort of movie villain. It doesn't accomplish much.

"Wait a minute..." Gammon says. He looks at his clothes - they're a bright black and yellow zigzag pattern, probably in line with the reality glitches.

"Your clothes aren't glitching. Everyone else's is... including Luna and Allen's. You haven't talked a bit about your career as Calgaround's mayor. You chugged milk and talked about cats last night, and right now there's milk raining down from the sky and feral cats roaming around."

He points an accusatory finger at you.

"Julia Abelard! You are the source of the glitches. You don't belong here, now do you?"

>maaaaaaaaaaybe?  
>cmon i just thought i'd improve the neighborhood a little

"Maaaybe? Hehe, cat's out of the bag."

Gammon leads you inside before he decides to blow up.

"Really! I can't believe you! All this time, you've been a phony? Where's my real soulmate then? And more importantly, how do we stop this neighborhood from ripping apart at the seams?! You couldn't have just come clean, could you, Julia? If that's even your real name!"

>is it our real name?

Yes, you are Julia Abelard! The Good Place probably meant to get another Julia Abelard, resulting in you being here. You're still not sure.

While you puzzle over this, Gammon gets up to leave.

"If you're not going to help solve this, I will. I'm telling Luna."

>summon cats to your side

Gammon leaves, muttering something about how he never should have trusted you.

You enact a CAT-SUMMONING CALL, which you learned on the Internet while you were still alive.

None of the feral cats outside notice you. Irinya does go to you, but she probably just went because you're her owner, not because of your special call.

Luna will be finding out about you, and then you'll be sent to The Bad Place to be tortured! Gotta save your skin somehow. Okay Julia, think!

>take catnip  
>use catnip on gammon  
>up his nose

You take some of the catnip from last night and run outside. Unfortunately, you can't find Gammon in all the chaos! However, you deduce that he's probably headed to Margarita's mansion, since Luna called a neighborhood meeting.

If you go there, you run the risk of getting caught by Luna immediately. If only there was somewhere you could go to to wait this out...

"Allen?"

Allen appears with a ping. "Hi there, Julia!"

"Luna won't know what I ask you, right?"

"Nope, all of our interactions are confidential!"

"Right. Is there any way out of here?"

"Yes! I can summon a train that can take you to either The Bad Place or The Medium Place."

>what the heck is the medium place?

"What the heck is The Medium Place?"

"Oh, that's a special realm for this anomaly. The Good Place and The Bad Place couldn't decide where she'd go, so she went to her own personal afterlife. It's neither good nor bad, as the name suggests."

>also where's gammon?

"He's at Margarita's mansion right now."

>ohshit.jpg  
>take me to the mediumplace

"Oh shit. Alright my dude, take me to The Middle Place."

"Sure thing! Meet me at the train station at the edge of the neighborhood in five minutes." Allen says as he disappears.

You book it to the train station, weaving through panicking residents, feral cats, and torrents of milkrain. You eventually arrive at the train station, where you see... Adam?

"Hi. Adam Moonlit. We met yesterday. Allen told me you were going to The Medium Place. Can I hitch a ride with you?

>what are you hiding out from

"I... I don't think I belong here either. Long story short, yes I was the great innovative tech genius on Earth, but I also stepped on a lot of people to get to where I am. That guilt's eating away at me from the inside," Adam explains.

The train arrives, with Allen onboard as the conductor.

"All aboard!"

>then why the middle place?  
>why not... the bad place?  
>"you still have some sense of self-preservation?"

"Of course. And just because I wasn't the best person alive doesn't mean I have to go to The Bad Place. I'm guessing you're in the same boat as I am. Allen told me about The Medium Place, so I wanna go too."

>Carrying along these feelings, we'll go to the >HAPPY HAPPY TRAIN!  
>Tomorrow is calling us  
>When I rode with no hesitation on the PARTY PARTY TRAIN  
>There were surprising people by my side  
>If our eyes are shining with hopes, we can see it  
>In this distant train station, something is waiting for us  
>Ah, the Happy Train goes anywhere, doesn't it?

You get on the train with Adam. Allen says he's coming along too, because he wants to assist you and go on an adventure even if it'll get him in trouble with Luna. It's just a short excursion anyway. He'll drop you off and report back to Luna.

You are now alone in the train car with Adam. Outside, you see the desert pass you by. What do you talk about?

>"how did you die?"  
>"cant be any more stupid than my own death"

"I can't remember, honestly. Luna did say she blocks out the traumatic or embarrassing memories. I can tell you how I lived though. I was born the son of Maria Moonlit, CEO of LeviantaCorp. We were the makers of the lPhone. Everything was going well until... my mother suddenly died. Details of it are murky. Although I was set to inherit the company, the board of directors saw it fit to have me removed entirely, despite all my contributions. I started my own company, and competed with LeviantaCorp. Along the way, I guess I developed advancements that revolutionized the smartphone industry."

>wow...  
>great now you're embarrassed

God, even the people who don't belong in The Good Place are better than you. This is just great. Nothing like world-changing tech geniuses to make you feel bad about yourself.

You feel the train come to a halt.

"We're here!" Allen says. You and Adam get off before the train starts up again and leaves the station. Above you, you see the sign: Neighborhood [N/A]. Around you, nothing but desert and tumbleweeds.

You see a house in the distance, and begin walking towards it with Adam.

>enter house?

It's a grand Southern-style house with a porch and everything. You knock on the door.

It swings open, and standing there is a sultrily-dressed blonde woman.

"The name's Rahab Barisol. Got any cocaine on ya?"

>"god i wish"  
>"i got catnip, close enough?"

"Can I smoke that? Eh, it's worth a shot. Anyway, come on in. I haven't gotten visitors in the past thirty years. Introduce yourselves while you're at it."

"Uh, hi," Adam begins. "I'm Adam, and this is Julia. We escaped The Good Place."

Rahab looks at you two incredulously as the three of you get settled down into her living room. "Why would you wanna leave there?"

>catpocalypse  
>long story  
>also they were gonna throw me out of there and i wanted to leave on my own terms  
>you want more catnip?

"There was a... catpocalypse. And they were gonna throw me out anyway, so I wanted to leave on my own terms. It's a long story," you say. "Want more catnip?"

You pass it over to Rahab. "Oh wow, thanks hun. You suppose you want me to explain how this place works, huh?"

>sure  
>i'm always a glut-ton for exposition

Rahab pours all of you a beer, and starts to explain. You notice that the beer is delicious, although it's always warm. Must be a feature of The Medium Place.

"I was a hot-shot psychiatrist during the 80's. All I cared about was stiffing patients and doing cocaine. But then, I had an epiphany. I should do something good with my life! So I drew up plans for this foundation, one that would fight for human rights, give aid to disaster-struck areas, alleviate poverty, all that stuff."

"You were high off your ass, weren't you."

"Yup! But here's the crazy thing. I actually followed through with it! The next morning, I went to the bank, withdrew my life savings, and called a meeting with my closest friends. Aaaand then I fell into some subway tracks and got electrocuted. But then, my daughter found my plans and used my money to start the foundation! Now it's the biggest relief aid organization in the world."

Adam speaks up. "So the problem lay in whether or not you were credited for the good your foundation put out into the world?"

"Essentially."

>"so that's why you're here... your circumstances caused an afterlife bureaucratic snafu"

"Yup. It seems I broke the system. My score was exactly at zero. No positive points, but no negative points either. What are the odds, huh?" Rahab says as she sips her lukewarm beer. "So yeah, I got stuck in this place. Everything I want, except it's changed a bit by The Bad Place. For example, I've got all my favorite songs on my jukebox, except they're all acoustic coffee shop covers by Taylor Swift."

>"you don't have anyway to tip the score in either direction?"

Rahab shakes her head with an aura of resignation.

"I've had my case pending for a while, and this was the best the Judge could do. I'm content with this life, anyway."

>stuff your mouth with catnip

You promptly stuff your mouth with catnip. Rahab sees you do so and claps her hands, laughing.

"A wild child, I see! You're a hoot, Julia."

>say "fuck"  
>just to see if you can swear here

"Fuck. Oh fuck, I can say fuck!" you say, triumphantly.

"...Amazing," Adam remarks from the living room. Man, he's such a downer.

"So uh, what's Ice Cream Man doing here?" Rahab asks.

"Oh, him? He just feels out of place in our neighborhood," you reply. "Like he doesn't belong."

>devour ice cream man

You're no cannibal.

>please don't do a cannibalism

Finally, some sensible commands.

You hear a knock on the door. You and Rahab open it, and it's Allen!

"Hi there! I've randomly decided to join you guys. I'm kind of bored, anyway. And doing things means new knowledge! So, here I am," he says, letting himself in.

There are now four of you, including Rahab herself, in Rahab's house. What do you do?

>offer him catnip

"No thanks. I don't need to eat."

Wait, you just realized. You left Irinya behind back in The Good Place! Oh no oh no oh no

>ALLEN,  
>Allen, can you do your magic thing and bring my cat here?

You ask him to bring you your cat. He says sure.

There's a ping, but when you puts forward his hands... there's nothing.

"Oh. It seems my powers become offline when I'm outside The Good Place. That's a shame."

>can you ping the server again

"I'll try."

Another ping noise. Again, empty hands.

>HAVE YOU TRIED TURNING THE POWER ROUTER OFF AND ON AGAIN

"You mean rebooting me?" Allen says with a smile, which is almost kind of creepy. "Well, the black box to reboot me would be in The Good Place, and I don't think you want to go back there!"

>"Rahab, bring me something blunt and heavy. We need to turn him off and back on again-"

You're getting desperate. You tell Rahab to get you something to bludgeon Allen with. Allen, despite hearing all this, seems fine with it.

"Oh boy, new knowledge!"

Rahab says she'll be right back.

> ==>

She comes back with a monkey wrench.

>VIBE CHECK

You scream "VIBE CHECK" and hit Allen on the head with the wrench. He promptly falls down.

"Oh my god you killed Allen!" Adam shouts. "What is wrong with you?!"

"I needed my cat back, okay?!"

>check your stats to see how much EXP you got

You don't really... know your stats. What the hell? What are you, some kind of text video game character? Please. You're above all that. You're no gamer! Not since... that dark time of your life.

High school.

>hey hey are you okay?

No response. He's out cold.

>slap Allen  
>that's how CPR works, right?

You slap him. His eyes fly open, and he stands up again.

"Welcome to Allen v1.000002!"

"Great! Get me my cat, please!"

Another ping. Still no cat.

Suddenly, a voice that doesn't belong to Allen starts coming from his mouth. It sounds... like Luna.

"Alright, dearies... I know you're out there somewhere. And, by exposing yourselves, I know that you never belonged to my neighborhood in the first place. Officers from The Bad Place have come to get you, and are waiting here. I'll give you a day to come back, otherwise they'll be taking your friends. Goodbye."

Adam seems shocked.

"They're going to take Margarita to The Bad Place!"

>suplex allen  
>throw allen

You make to suplex and throw Allen, but he stops you with a grip that could crush steel.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you. :) "

Adam starts visibly panicking. Pacing around, muttering, the whole shebang.

"They're going to take our friends!"

>Pretty bold of them to assume you have friends  
>"why do you care?" @ adam

"I don't care. Gammon is... a hack, at best. Why do you care so much?"

"Because," Adam says. "Margarita is my soulmate. I've only known her for a while, but... it's this connection that I feel to her. Like we've met a long time ago. There's this bond that I can't explain."

"Pfft," Rahab cuts in. "How romantic."

>"Maybe it's an ionic bond"

"That's not very funny," Adam replies. "I'm no chemist, but even I know that's not scientifically correct."

>how did u say that with ur mouth

You turn to Allen, who's still smiling creepily.

"What do you mean? :)"

"Okay stop that," you say.

>"well, you can go, but im staying here" @ adam

"Ah... alright. Well, you were worried about your cat just now, so I thought you'd want to go... But in any case, I'm having Allen call me a train back to The Good Place and rescuing Margarita. Come with me if you'd like."

>....  
>Fine  
>You'll get your cat, and then you get back here as soon as possible

"Fine. But I'm only doing this for Irinya. I couldn't give a rat's ass about Margarita," you spit out. It's a shame that Adam's such a wet blanket. You thought you could be friends.

"Allen," Adam instructs him. "Call us a train back to The Good Place."

"Aye aye, sir!"

Rahab looks at you, and wishes you safe travels.

"Come back in one piece, buster."

>threaten to eat Allen if he doesn't stop being creepy

You are now on the train.

"You couldn't eat me if you tried, Julia."

>oh yea? insert 4th break rule protocol, and wear infinity gauntlet

You've made some explosions for Marvel movies in the past as a pyrotechnician. You don't really care for their plots. And their lack of explosions. You'd pick Michael Bay over the Russo brothers any day.

>"i'll try then"  
>actually try it  
>nom

Nom. :3 Anyway let's get back to the main plot.

> ==>

The train eventually arrives at The Good Place, where an indignant Luna and a bespectacled man in judge's robes are waiting.

"It's good you've come to your senses," Luna begins. "Let's take this inside."

You are now inside Luna's office, with Adam, Margarita, Allen, Gammon, and the man, who has introduced himself as an afterlife Judge named Seth.

"So. Julia and Adam are going to The Bad Place. Any objections?"

What do you do?

>i object!

Seth eyes you with a snake-like glint in his eye.

"Object to what, exactly? You're here by accident, we've figured it out. The real Julia Abelard is on the train right now. We're just going to make the switch and skedaddly-diddly-doo outta here."

"Uh..."

>Not only do I object, I switch to the prosecution and sentence you to going to the bad place!

"Nice try. I'm the Judge, sweetheart."

> ==>

Some police officers make to take you away.

Adam sort of resigns himself, sharing a tearful goodbye with Margarita. They go to get you next.

What do you do?

>can I at least see Irinya

"Can I at least see Irinya?" you ask.

"No," Seth says. "Why would someone as bad as you have the right to see a stupid cat?"

"Wait!" Margarita shouts. "I'll go in Julia's place!"

"No, Marga--" Gammon begins.

"Think about it! Adam, we'll be tortured, but we'll be together! And if we're together, we can get through anything! I just know it! I love you, Adam!"

"Margarita..."

"Miss Felix, I don't think that's such a good idea, considering how the afterlife is structured--"

"Yeah!" you say.

"This is the best option, people! Adam and I will be together!"

An argument breaks out between Adam, Margarita, and Gammon. Things get heated, and escalate into a shouting match.

Wait a minute. You realize something.

>THIS IS THE BAD PLACE  
>WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN IN THE BAD PLACE

"Guys," you begin. "Wild theory."

"What is it?" Gammon asks.

"I hate nerds. I hate them with a burning passion. So why is Mr. Bookworm my soulmate? Why is Tech Genius here too, or Miss Prodigy Philanthropist?"

"That does seem strange..." Adam notes.

"Or, take me! I've been flirting and bullying Gammon since I've gotten here. It's just my nature to do that, and he clearly doesn't enjoy it! Adam, you've been bogged down by guilt because Margarita's such a good person, but even then you feel like shit when you're with her!"

"What are you getting at?" Margarita asks.

"We were put here to torture each other. This is The Bad Place."

Luna just laughs.

"Cat's out of the bag, dearie."

>do a JoJo pose

You don't know what that is. You hate anime.

>well feck yew too

"Fork you, Luna! Oh, shirt! Motherforking shirtballs! ARGH!"

Luna laughs, and laughs. She laughs a villainous old lady laugh.

"You really figured me out! Well, no matter. We'll just do this over," she says, getting ready to snap her fingers.

What do you do?

>destroy everything

You throw a fit, wrecking things in Luna's office. You destroy, and destroy again. Luna laughs, her hand still raised.

>flip the bird at her  
>i figured it out wheres my prize  
>i'd like my cat now

"Fork you! I wanna see my cat, alright! Where's Irinya, you--"

_ **Snap.** _

The gears of the black box of fate turn, and everything dyes white.

_Margarita,_

_I'll go to see you._

_Adam_


	2. Chapter 2

>what now  
>restart?  
>hey, papa, what kind of birds sing in that paradise?  
>hey, papa, do our bodies stop hurting in that paradise?  
>hey, papa, can we stay together in that paradise? hey, papa....

You remember asking your father that in your youth. Dr. Marx Felix, world-renowned billionaire slash philanthropist slash anthropologist.

"Don't be silly, dear. There's no such thing as Paradise. What matters is what we do here, on this Earth. Now, go back to studying." he instructs you.

"Ninety-five over a hundred? Please. You can do much better than that. I didn't raise an idiot.”

You wake up with a start. You are MARGARITA FELIX, and you've just woken up in your bed. It is the middle of the night. You've been in this neighborhood for just shy of a day.

>well, you're in the Good Place now  
>So paradise was real  
>hahaha

At what cost? Were your cultural conservation efforts enough? Your investments in the advancements of medicine? Your donations to charity? Was it all really enough to please him. You'll never know, and that thought keeps you up at night. Even now.

>wheres Adam?

You examine the note you found in Allen's mouth when you asked him for a bouquet of flowers earlier. Someone named Adam says he's going to come see you.

Who in the world is Adam?

>did you shoot him. was not shooting him worth it to get here

Nope. He died when you were younger. And you've been trying to hold it together ever since. You, the sole heir to the vast Felix fortune, trying to take on the cold, hard world. It was quite lonely at the top.

>x room

You are alone in your mansion, here in The Good Place. It's luxuriously-decorated with exquisite art, and flowers bloom on the vines creeping on its pillars. Paradise, basically.

>x self

You're in your nightgown. Your hair is down, and, upon closer examination in the mirror, you see that you have eyebags. 

You used to joke that you were the reverse Sleeping Beauty when you were younger. The Princess who brings sleep and comfort but can't sleep herself. Haha. What a fun fairytale you made up.

Perhaps you should find this Adam person somehow?

>get out of the room

You go out in the dead of night, wandering the streets of the neighborhood. On a night of the full moon such as this, scary demons come out.

> ==>

You are now Adam, right before the snap. Argh, why did you word the letter like that? You yourself aren't going to remember Margarita! Argh, why are you so stupid stupid stupid stupid

Snap.

> ==>

Who do you wish to see next?

>God

We follow the story of the highest, most powerful being in the universe. The almighty Judge, presiding over all matters of the afterlife. They are the power that Is, the everpresent one.

Right now they're binge-watching something on Netflix.

"Argh, why are Rachel and Joey even trying to get together!" she throws her popcorn at the screen. "Who even wrote this garbage?"

She bites into her takoyaki burrito. Her name is Chirclatia, the High Overseer.

> ==>

"So, long story short, if you mess up one more time, then I'm banishing you to the shadow realm. K thxbyeeeeee~"

Seth, your boss, hangs up, leaving you alone in your office.

You are Luna Hazuki, and you cannot afford to mess this one up. Everything's been reset, the four humans' memories have been erased, and you've made some modifications to the neighborhood. Fingers crossed, baby.

>be the other guy

You are now the other guy, ADAM MOONLIT. You're here in a bunk bed, filled with loudly snoring people. Christ, you hate the noise. You were so used to being by yourself in your luxurious bachelor pad in the middle of Silicon Valley. You hate people, you hate unnecessary socializing. It's so tiring, and you've been doing it all day with these stupid roommates.

You need a walk. You go outside, into the dark streets.

>i wanna be the guy

You are the guy. You, GAMMON OCTO, are about to rip your hair out. You've been wanting to have some friendly discourse with your soulmate MAIDEN, but she really only gives you terse responses. "Oh." "That's cool." "Really?" Must be the silent type, although you are absolutely CRAVING for some decent conversation and debate right now.

>who is your roommate?

Back to Adam. You've got plenty of them. The names float through your head. Yarera, Zusco, Chartette, Germaine, York, Minage, Sekka, Marc... they're all pretty rowdy. Not that they're bad people - in fact they're quite friendly! Just not the type of people you'd want to hang around. Or the type of people you want to live with.

>look

The streets are empty. A doleful note is produced. It's the note Uncertainty plays, keeping the spectators on the edge of their seats.

You have a feeling it's going to be a long night.

>eat sock

You wear INVISIBLE SOCKS, so you don't think they'd be that delicious. Other than normal socks. Maybe they are? I mean, you're in The Good Place. Maybe the socks here taste good.

The sock tastes exactly how you expected it to taste.

>Fill the streets with your Emotions

This is so ridiculous. You feel like you've done this before, that you're in some sick game, that you're trapped in a loop. You let out a frustrated scream that echoes throughout the streets.

"Ahh! My word, you scared me half to death!" a woman in twin pigtails calls out. "Are you alright?"

>i appreciate that you bothered to ask but no i am not

"I'm sorry to hear that!" she says. "Well, I hope it gets better for you soon. This is The Good Place, after all. Well, ta ta."

She makes to leave and go back to walking. Anything to say to her?

>what are you doing awake?

She turns back to you, and starts sharing.

"I'm just having trouble sleeping. I mean, I always have, even when I was alive. But I guess that part of me never went away. I keep dreaming about my childhood, haunted by the words of my father. And that mysterious note telling me to wait for this Adam person to go to me isn't exactly helping."

"...I'm Adam," you say. "But I don't recall writing you that note. I don't even know who are, miss...?"

She gasps. "Margarita. Margarita Felix."

>i cant sleep either... roommates... pretty annoying right?

"Argh, I know..." she replies. "Well, I can sort of relate. Kaspar's my soulmate, but he doesn't want to sleep in the same room as me." 

She looks awfully wistful.

"I mean, it's only been a day! Maybe he just hasn't warmed up to me yet. Can't give up hope! After all, he's the person I was meant to be with. Luna said so..."

>there's a lot to unpack there, but first of all... a note?

"Yes! I got a note from the neighborhood assistant, Allen. Here it is," she says, producing a piece of paper.

_Margarita,_

_I'll go to see you._

_Adam_

Alright what is going on.

>"well... "  
>smile sheepishly  
>"I see you now!"

"Oh, you!" she blushes and laughs. "Adam, you're such a tease."

"Wait," you say. "Let me have a closer look."

She hands you the note.

>confirm your writing

It is unmistakably your handwriting. And, judging by how it's been so messily scrawled, you wrote this in a hurry. But you don't remember writing it.

Unless, of course...

"Hey, Margarita. As wild as this seems, I think... we know each other. Somehow. Like, we've met before. And something happened that wiped our memories and tore us apart, and right before that, I decided to send it to you so that we'd be able to remember each other."

"Yes, yes! That makes sense! But this is so strange, why would anyone want to wipe our memories?"

>think about that pretty movie, whatever it was called, something about names

You've seen that before. You've also met Makoto Shinkai personally. You had a few ideas of your own to suggest to him, such as making the girl have magic powers. He seemed to be receptive to the suggestion.

Back to Margarita, she starts panicking a bit.

"Oh, oh my goodness... So our memories have been erased, and we actually know each other... but how? And why?"

>"I dont know... who's even capable of doing such a thing?"

"My guess would be Luna, being the Architect of this neighborhood and all. But again, why would she do such a thing! She's supposed to be some benevolent goddess or angel or something."

"Hmm, we should figure this out. But if it's really her, then we can't afford to draw her attention, and just being out here in the middle of the night is doing just that," you tell her. "Meet me at The Tasan Cafe tomorrow at noon. We'll get to the bottom of this."

"Agreed. Hey, Adam?"

"Yeah?"

"It's nice to meet you again."

She leaves.

> ==>

**Which character do you play as next?**

>Gast venom

**Invalid character. Please choose between Julia, Gammon, Margarita and Adam.**

>gammon  
>who is your soulmate?

You soulmate is this silent, goth-looking girl named Maiden, whom you can't seem to get more than a few words out of. Argh, this silence is so frustrating...

You hear a knock on your door. It's Luna.

"Hello, dearie! Just wanted to invite you to this little gathering tomorrow at The Tasan Cafe. The owner is one of the residents, Banica! She's having an official opening tomorrow, and everyone's invited! Well, see you!"

She leaves. What do you do?

>ask Maiden if she wants to go

All she does is nod and say "Sure." Typical. Why would you, the most talkative person in the universe, get paired up with someone like her? It just doesn't make sense.

Well, you suppose you could a conversation partner at the opening tomorrow. Should be fun to mingle with the other neighborhood residents.

>look for people to join your emo band

You're all for that! Emo is a great counterculture movement, if you do say so yourself. As a social philosophy and ethics professor, you are all about sticking it to The Man and questioning established institutions. Yeah!!!!

You ask Maiden if she wants to join.

"Nah."

Argh.

Auto-switch activated.

  
> ==>

You are JULIA ABELARD, and you're currently at The Tasan Cafe. The opening is still at noon, but you went here early to look for some potential cats to adopt. You overhear a conversation between what appears to be Luna and Banica, the cafe's owner.

"I'm sick of this, Luna! First, you gave me the role of Real Julia. I didn't even get to have my big scene before you reset everything! That was supposed to be my moment! Weeks and weeks of rehearsal, all for nothing!"

"Now, Mayrana--"

"I'm just... I had that big role. And now I'm just some innocent chef lady who owns a cafe? When am I gonna be relevant, huh?"

Wait. So Banica isn't actually Banica? Why is she a fraud? And... you're a fraud too. What's going on here?

>gasp  
>but very softly  
>eat self

You gasp, but then put your fist in your mouth to keep yourself quiet. This is all so weird. What if this is some sort of cruel joke? What if you're in The Bad Place all along???

Luna sees you, but doesn't seem to have noticed you were eavesdropping. She invites you inside, and soon after, the cafe opening begins. In attendance are the rest of the neighborhood residents, although standing out in particular are a peculiarly-dressed man, and a couple who keep whispering amongst themselves.

>this better be about cats

Unfortunately, the opening is not about cats. Banica (or rather, Mayrana) talks about the extensive gourmet menu of the cafe, and just keeps yammering on. You pretend to go the bathroom, and get outside.

You need some information, or someone you can trust. What do you do?

>who ISN'T at the meeting

The streets are empty. You call for Allen, who arrives with a ping.

"Hey. Is there any way off this place?"

"Yes, I could call you a train to either The Medium Place or The Bad Place."

"Great. Medium Place sounds goo--"

"Wait," Allen says. "Someone else is calling me." He disappears, and then reappears after a few minutes.

"Some other people want to leave here too. Adam and Margarita, if you know them. Anyway, I think it'll be more efficient if you all took the same train. Meet me at the train station in five minutes."

> ==>

You are now at the train station, where you encounter Adam and Margarita. The two of you swap notes, you telling them that you overheard one of the residents talk to Luna as if she was acting out a role, while Adam and Margarita explain the mysterious note they found inside Allen's mouth.

"Wait!"

You turn around, and you see the strangely-dressed man from earlier.

"I've been bored out of my mind. I saw you leave, so I followed you here. Well, what's happening?"

>judge his fashion

Oh, God. You're no fashionista, but... oh, no. No.

"What are you wearing?" you ask.

"Oh, this? I--"

"Wait! There are more important matters here. Gammon, are you coming with us to The Medium Place?" Margarita asks.

"What?"

"Let me bring you up to speed, pal." you say. You proceed to explain your theory to Gammon.

"What's all this, dearies...?" you hear Luna say. She's walking towards you four.

Oh shit.

>try not to swear

"Oh fork!"

"L-listen, Luna! I-I'm not afraid of you!" Margarita says, stammering. "T-this... this isn't The Good Place! It's The Bad Place, and you're the one in charge, so you must have put us here to torture us! Kaspar hasn't given me an ounce of attention, and Adam's tearing his hair out with his roommate situation!"

"Yeah!" you chime in. "And I overheard you talking about Mayrana's acting! What's all that shirt about?! Whatever, it doesn't matter. I'm getting outta here."

>face luna and walk backwards into the train

You do so.

"You know what, Luna?!" you shout. "If this is really The Bad Place, then you're doing a pretty bad job running it. Wanna know why? Because, Luna, ya basi--"

Snap.

>unsnap

"Attempt number eight-hundred and thirty one. So far, I've rearranged things so that Julia's soulmate is--"

Mayrana barges into your office.

"Alright, Luna. I've had enough. We've had enough. Me and the other demons here. We've got some suggestions, and if you're not listening to them, then we're ratting you out to Seth."

She slams a thick envelope onto your desk. It has skull designs.

"This is a complete list of every mistake, bung-up, and flop we've had in this neighborhood ever since you reset it to attempt number two. Unless you give in to our demands, I'm taking a train straight to The Bad Place and giving this envelope to Seth myself."

>what were we even trying to do?  
>don't say that out loud

Basically, to have the four humans - that is, Julia, Gammon, Margarita and Adam - to unconsciously torture each other using their utterly incompatible personalities. 

>are they unionizing

They pretty much are. You're in hot water here. You've got... an idea, more of a last-ditch attempt, but you're much too prideful to even consider it.

Unless...

>haha unless.....?

You could ask the four humans for help. You pretend to erase their memories, and while they try to sell the ruse, you find a way to undermine Mayrana and find a way to get them to The Good Place.

>why do we care?

Because if Mayrana exposes you to Seth, you're going to get tortured horribly as well. For eternity. It's called "retirement".

Mayrana leaves in a huff. You've got to think of your next move wisely.

>well  
>we don't have any other options don't we?  
>is it even possible to get them to the good place?

It's... possible. But there's a very long workaround that'll take a lot of steps. You decide it's best to swallow your pride and ask for help. After 831 attempts, you're not exactly getting any better at this torture thing.

You call over the four humans to Julia's house, and honestly tell them your plan. Julia scoffs, and asks why they should trust you.

"You can't," you say. "But you've got no other option. Mayrana’s demanding I turn over control of the neighborhood to her, and she’s resetting your memories in thirty minutes."

>guys, it's either this or we all go to the REAL Bad Place

You say that.

"How do we know you're not lying?" Julia asks.

>do you really want to gamble your eternal souls?

"An eternity of torture certainly doesn't sound fun," Adam notes.

"Guys. Human meeting, now," Julia says. The four of them go her bedroom to discuss things, leaving you behind in the living room.

> ==>

After several minutes, they come back out again.

"Alright, Luna, we've decided to trust you. We'll team up with you. But on one condition," Margarita says. "You're going to have to join us for ethics lessons with Gammon."

You laugh. You, a demon, attending an ethics class?

"And why would I want to do that?" you ask her.

"Because you need the four of us to sell the ruse. One of us leaves, and you're done for," Gammon replies.

"Oh, knickernoodles. Alright, I'll go to your stupid ethics class..." you relent.

>WHO'S teaching ethics?

Gammon, apparently. Because he was some sort of philosophy professor when he was alive. Ugh, what a hassle.

>why was gammon even in the bad place in the first place?

Because he couldn't stop monologuing. Political theory this, social theory that. Anyone he encountered, he talked their ears off. He even got his students all wrapped up in his own movement, and turned them into miniature versions of his monologue-y self. In short, he was a pain in the ass.

>well! fuck it take the deal

"Fine! Fine. You got me, dearies. I'll accept your little deal."

"Good," Julia says. "We'll get through this together, I guess. Team Cockroach on three."

You all put your hands together.

"One, two, three! Team Cockroach!"

> ==>

Your name is GAMMON OCTO, world-renowned SOCIAL PHILOSOPHY PROFESSOR. It is day one of your ethics class, which just so happens to include a DEMON FROM THE BAD PLACE by the name of LUNA HAZUKI. While your other four pupils JULIA, MARGARITA AND ADAM are doing their best to pay attention to your lesson, Luna's just playing video games on her console.

What do you do?

>discipline luna

“Miss Luna,” you gently tell her. “Please put down the console. I’m trying to teach the Social Contract Theory here.”

“Eh,” she says. “After I finish my high score.” She continues playing, to the point of it bothering the other three.

Perhaps you should try some other way to make her pay attention.

>Give Me Your Phone

You decide to exercise your PROFESSORIAL AUTHORITY and confiscate her console, putting it inside your scarf pocket for safekeeping.

“Now, back to the Social Contract Theory. Basically, by being born in a society, you are implicitly agreeing to—“

Luna yawns loudly. “This is booooring. Can’t we play Civilization? I want that Gandhi person to go apeshit bananas. That sounds like a lot more fun.”

>chinhands. can you make it Interactive

You gendo pose thoughtfully. A video game buff like Luna would probably respond to things that are interactive! 

“Allen?” you say.

He appears with a ping, as he usually does. “Hi there.”

“Hey, do you think you could fetch us this specific video game? If your powers can allow it.”

“What video game to be exact?”

“Undertale.”

>==>

It is now a few hours later. Luna’s a sobbing mess, while the other three have found other ways to entertain themselves while she was playing.

“We... we finally did it... we got to escape the Underground...” she says in between sobs. She blows her nose and cries even harder at the melancholy victory of Frisk and the monsters.

It seems you’re finally getting through to her. How do you reinforce the lesson?

>connect it to social contract somehow  
>how the hell do we teach the rest tho

You temporarily do away with the Social Contract Theory and tell her the basis of morality: we must acknowledge that our actions have consequences, and sometimes our actions can hurt the people we care about, or even the world we live in as a whole.

"I... I think I understand," Luna says. "So it's like... life is this whole game of Undertale, and no matter how many times I try to do things over, what's done is done and can't be taken back."

"Now you're getting it!" You're genuinely happy she's responding! You decide to give her some matcha ice cream from your fridge to reward her, which she happily accepts.

Julia goes up to you.

"Hey," she says. "Thanks for taking on this task. I know it's not easy teaching a Nevada dirtbag, a cutthroat CEO and a self-absorbed philanthropist, along with a literal demon. But you did it." She affectionately punches you in the arm, which still kind of hurts but not really. You thank her.

You decide to dismiss class for the day, on account of the huge progress you've made. Luna leaves in order not to draw Mayrana's suspicion, leaving you with Julia, Margarita and Adam.

Who do you talk to?

>Adam

You approach Adam. God he intimidates you so much. A young tech genius who practically built his own fortune from the ground up... you're a little nervous speaking to him. Margarita, despite being a billionaire, still gives off an approachable air at least.

"Hi."

"Hi yourself," he says. He goes back to staring out the window.

>he's a silicon valley dude  
>those people are like twigs  
>try again

"So... You were a tech CEO. I've always admired your work, haha. Moogle Classrooms was a great help for me whenever I'd teach large classes..."

"That's good to hear," he replies. "Although Moogle Classroom is only the beginning. Right before I... well, died, we were designing a sort of Moogle Balloon that we could load with Internet connection and fly over areas that had little to no Internet access."

"That's fascinating! You know, I think that's a great way to mitigate the technology access discrepancies currently plaguing certain area--"

"Hey, I just listened to you lecture for like, three hours. No need to do it again. Let's have a nice, chill conversation, alright?" he says.

>wait i thought we didn't lecture at all......?

You lectured for three hours while Luna played her video games, then you asked her to stop, and then you had her play Undertale while the others waited around.

"Got anything else you wanna chat about? I should probably be headed back to my crowded dorm to be fake-tortured," Adam says, moving to leave.

Do you have anything else to say?

>join my emo band

The emo movement has always intrigued you. It began as a way for a generation growing up in a time mired by war and violence to make their voices heard to indifferent elders. It's explicitly anti-war, anti-military, pro-mental health and pro-LGBT rights.

Plus, it's got a cool aesthetic! That's why you wear your hair over one eye. God you love emos.

"Would you... ahem. Sorry, haha. I've never really shared this with anyone... Haha. Would you like to form an emo band with me?"

Adam looks at you, unperturbed.

"Sure, I can play the guitar. Who's our main vocalist though?"

As if on cue, Allen arrives with a ping. There's another, slightly higher ping, and appearing is... a girl in a poofy dress who looks exactly like Allen?

"Hi everyone, I'd like you to meet my twin, Riliane! I got bored, what with all of you having classes, so I made someone that I could talk to! Hehe."

Riliane gives you a feral look.

"Saa, hizamazuki nasai!"

Allen quickly explains. "It's my first time making someone so she might need some... time to get used to things. Right now she thinks she's a princess. Just bear with me, folks."

>feel the visual kei in your soul, your identity. reach for the gackt. and seriously consider if you can be vocals or not

You're not exactly the best singer. You've gotten an 84 on karaoke at best. And based on how loud and confident Riliane is, you think she's better at being lead vocalist. Just gotta ask her.

>hello riliane, would you like to join our emo band?

You slowly and cautiously approach Riliane, and ask her to join your emo band.

"Oh ho ho ho! Sure! I love having the starring role! I'll be Princess Rin of Lucifenia!" she says.

Right. Now to decide a band name. You call over Adam, and the three of you put your heads together. It should be something bold, dramatic, fantastic! Something that screams who the three of you are. Something that says "fuck the system" and then proceeds to break the system down into a vast, complex web of interlocking social factors that have been put in place over several centuries of tradition and learned practices ingrained in human behavior.

Wait you're rambling again. Focus, Gammon, focus!

>ask margy if she has any ideas for your emo band name

"Hey, Margarita!" you call her. She comes over with a spring in her step, winking at Adam. You ask her to suggest a name for your band.

"Hmm... Well, I think something Biblical would fit you, since Adam's name calls to mind the Biblical Adam! Something like Abels:Feel. Ooh, or My Philosophical Romance! That sounds good too!"

>what do you think, adam?

Adam thinks for a bit. "Hmm. Abels:Feel sounds cool and the least infringe-y. No offense, Margy. Yeah, I'm good with that."

"So am I," you say. "How about you, Riliane?"

"Let them eat brioche!"

"I'm guessing that's a yes. Alright, let's... have a jamming session tomorrow after ethics class? Not like there's much to do here anyway."

"Got it," Adam says. "Anyway, I've really gotta get back to my dorm."

"Oh, Adam, let me go with you~" Margarita says as she goes out the door with him. Those two are awfully close.

>Well, they are soulmates  
>fake soulmates?  
>in the fake version of actual real heaven?  
>good for them, at any rate

You suppose. But didn't Luna say that that whole soulmates thing was a sham? It's nice they get along, but you don't believe there's any actual basis for that. 

You think about your relationship with Julia. Ever since the first version of this neighborhood, she's been half-bullying, half-flirting with you. It's kind of annoying, and also a bit scary. You wish you could be friends with her, normally. You didn't have that many friends on Earth, and she seems like an interesting person.

>==>

Several months pass. Mayrana runs the neighborhood and "tortures" you. You're able to brace yourselves for it though, since Luna briefs you ahead of time. You also continue your ethics lessons, as well as band practice for Abels:Feel.

Today, you're all in the lobby of Luna's office, waiting to be briefed for another day of fake torture at the hands of Mayrana. What does surprise you, is Seth walking out the door. "Ohayogozaimasu~!! Come on in!"

"So, dearies," Luna says. "I should start things off. You're all in The Bad Place! Meant to torture one another psychologically, which you did. My boss Seth here has decided to promote me, given this experiment's swimming success! We'll be shutting this place down and sending you off to the real Bad Place. The train to take you there leaves tomorrow morning."

The four of you pretend to freak out. Well, you're also kind of legitimately freaking out. Did Luna just betray you?

Things get worse when Luna holds a special lunch to humiliate you.

"See, Julia, she thought she could get away with things! Please, running off to Rahab in The Medium Place, only to come back when she left behind her cat. How idiotic!" Luna says over the microphone. "Really, Julia, you should just stay here. You belong here."

She turns to Gammon. "Our philosophy professor, everyone! He tortures everyone around him by talking their ears off. God, what it's like you do our job for us! Doesn't his yammering make you want to just throw yourself onto some train tracks and hope it hits you?"

Luna then addresses Adam and Margarita. "And these two. They really thought they were meant for each other! But you know what, this isn't a fairytale, dearies. What do you think of yourself, some sort of princess?"

The Bad Place demons throw a party and wreck the place. Meanwhile, Allen is imprisoned in magnet handcuffs, making him useless. The four of you find yourselves in the middle of the revelry, discussing your options for escape. What do you do?

>wait, which part are we in our emo band

You are now Gammon. You used to play the bass for your emo band, but now everything's gone to shit. What do you do?

>step one don't panic

They're shutting this place down. Oh God. Okay Gammon, breathe.

"Alright team," Julia says. "What do we do?"

"A train's out of the question," Margarita chimes in. "Allen's in magnet handcuffs, so he's incapacitated. We need a way out."

"We could trade information with Seth," Adam suggests. "He doesn't know that Luna rebooted his neighborhood like 800 times. Then we could ask for a reduced sentence. Info is the best lawyer in hell or something."

"I still can't believe he betrayed us again," Julia says.

>let's not go with seth  
>i don't trust that guy

"I don't trust that Seth," you say. "His aura is very... strange."

What do you do now?

>RILIANE  
>HELP US GET TO THE MEDIUM PLACE

You get a eureka moment.

"I've got it! Riliane is Allen's twin, right? Logically, she should have all of Allen's powers. If Allen can summon trains, then maybe she can too."

"I forgot about her!" Margarita says. "So we should have her call a train and flee to Rahab's house?"

>it's either this or the Worse Place

"It's either that or the Worse Place," you say. "I mean, the real Bad Place."

"I'm onboard," Julia says.

"I still think we should try negotiating with Seth, but if everyone else wants to escape, then let's escape," Adam says.

You're in the middle of a huge demon party, though. How do you get to the train station without them noticing?

>look

You look around. There's loud music blaring - EDM. Good God. The demons are making a mess of the neighborhood, burning things, dancing, causing general chaos. You suppose you could sneak by them if you played your cards right.

Something nags at you though.

"Guys," you begin. "Remember that day when Luna played Undertale, and she began sobbing about how she was able to win through the power of love? I think that got to her. I think she's on our side."

"That's preposterous!" Margarita says.

"Hear me out," you continue. "I think Luna was trying to leave us a message in her roast earlier. She's trying to help us, but she couldn't tell us directly because Seth and the other demons are watching her!"

With your near-perfect memory, you reproduce Luna's speech.

~

"See, Julia, she thought she could get away with things! Please, running off to Rahab in The Medium Place, only to come back when she left behind her cat. How idiotic! Really, Julia, you should just stay here. You belong here."

Our philosophy professor, everyone! He tortures everyone around him by talking their ears off. God, what it's like you do our job for us! Doesn't his yammering make you want to just throw yourself onto some train tracks and hope it hits you?

And these two. They really thought they were meant for each other! But you know what, this isn't a fairytale, dearies. What do you think of yourself, some sort of princess?"

>"oh my god, she had a plan for us all along"  
>"But im confused, does she want us to stay or go???"

The four of you go separate ways to avoid attention, and regroup at the train station.

"I still think she has a plan for us," you say. "But I'm confused, does she want us to stay or go?"

Margarita underlines a part of the speech, which you've taken the liberty of writing down on a piece of paper. "She mentions a princess during my part, so that confirms that we should have Riliane call us a train to Rahab's house. But then," she says, encircling another part. "She also wants us to stay. What does she want, Riliane to just go off to Rahab's house with an empty train?"

>send the empty train to the middle place, hide while they pursue, and then sneak off after

What happens next is a whirlwind of events, which shall be narrated in as concise a manner as possible.

>==>

Mayrana goes up to Seth, who's also at the party.

"Seth! I have something to tell you!"

"And what is that, Mayrana-chan~?"

"The one responsible for the neighborhood, everything that's happening is--"

The train departs from the train station.

"Is Luna! Look, the humans are escaping!"

"Ah..." Seth frowns. "This is not all according to keikaku. Bad Allen?"

An Allen in a black leather jacket appears with a ping. "It's Amostia, you dingdong. What is it?"

"Call another train kudasai. We're following those humans."

> ==>

At the train station, Seth and the other demons are filing into the train. Luna is there as well, pondering aloud how this could have happened.

"How did they escape?? We had Allen incapacitated the entire time."

"I can answer that!" a demon, Yuzette, chimes in. "I saw Mayrana trying to get the magnet handcuffs off of Allen last night, hehe."

"Mayrana-chan! You tried to frame Luna!! How dare you!" Seth shouts. "This is a total PR nightmate. Everyone, on the train, we're following those humans! Luna, you stay here and search for them."

The second train departs, showing Julia, Gammon, Margarita, Adam and Allen (still in handcuffs) hiding underneath.

"You guys!" Luna sobs. "I was so worried about you all!"

"We never doubted you," Gammon says. "Okay we doubted you a little. But we trusted you in the end!"

>==>

Rahab answers the vigorous knocking at her door. It's Riliane.

She reads the note attached to Riliane's dress. "Dear Rahab, thanks for all the times you helped us when we showed up here. Here's two duffel bags of cocaine and a feral robotic comedian."

She eyes Riliane, who keeps laughing an oujo-sama laugh. "Eh, good enough."  
> ==>

You've done it! You, the four humans, Luna and Allen have all escaped from right under Seth's nose. You have a little picnic to celebrate.

Pick a character to play as.

>MARGY

You are MARGARITA FELIX, world-renowned PHILANTHROPIST, HERITAGE WORKER, ART PATRON and HEIRESS TO THE FELIX FORTUNE.

You're quite delighted! Gammon tells Luna how you all managed to piece together the clues and decode her message. She says she hoped she had planted enough clues, and apologizes for insulting you all. She had to sell it with the other demons watching! But now you're safe... for now.

Amongst the merriment, you decide to finally broach the question.

"So... how are we getting to The Good Place?"

Luna pauses for a bit, and gives the bad news.

"I'm sorry dearie, but it's not as simple as taking a train there. For you four to even be allowed to enter, you'd need the proper paperwork. And to get the paperwork, you'd need to have the Judge to reconsider your case. The problem is... the Judge's office is difficult to reach."

>how difficult?

"The entrance to the Judge's office is in a neutral zone in the heart of The Bad Place. We'd need to somehow manage to sneak through undetected, grab four Upper Management pins," Luna says as she brandishes hers (it's round with a thumbs-down) "and get inside the portal."

Allen, who's still hungover from being in magnet handcuffs, chimes in. "I... I have a crazy ideeea. We couldwecould... go through my void. It has a backdoor to the Allen warehouse, which is right next to the Accounting Department, which in turn leads to the Judge's office."

The others fall silent, before debating amongst themselves what option to take.

What do you vote?

>what's so dangerous about the second option

"My void is a pocket dimension of nothingness," Allen says. "There's a chance that, if I take you inside, you could dematerialize."

>isn't there like a purgatory. do i have indulgences in the bank

"Catholicism only got around 4.13% right, dearie," Luna explains. "The closest thing to your idea of purgatory is The Middle Place, inhabited by Rahab Barisol."

>FIRST OPTION IT IS

"I PICK ALLEN'S IDEA," you shout. Everyone looks at you in shock, as if you've been possessed by some random spirit of chaos.

"Possibly dematerialize into nothingness or be discovered by some demons, then be tortured for eternity," Adam says. "Hmm. I'm going with Allen's idea."

"I agree! According to the philosopher Jeff Mason--" Gammon begins.

"I vote Allen's idea too! Well-it's-decided-let's-all-go," Julia cuts in.

Luna turns to Allen. "Well, dearie? Shall we go about it?"

"Yup!" Allen says. He takes your hand, and you hold Adam's until you're all in a circle.

Allen seems quite excited. "Here goes nothing!!

_ **Ping.** _


	3. Chapter 3

>pong

You find yourself in a vast, white void stretching as far as they eye can see.

"I'm... alive?" you say. You hold out your hands, and examine what you're wearing. Yup, it's your trusty floral dress from the Sudou Fall Collection of 2004. You find the other three humans as well as Allen and Luna, rejoicing that they weren't dematerialized.

Allen waves his hand, and a door appears. You all go through it.

>ding

You find yourself standing with the rest of the group in the lobby of a massive office. Overhead, the sign says Accounting Department. Cubicles and cubicles of office workers, all typing away at their computers.

To your right is a sign. To the left hallway is the Mailroom. To the right hallway is the Judge's office.

Where do you go?

>judge's office

As you discreetly make your way there, you're stopped. There's a ping, and an Allen in drab-looking office clothing appears.

"Hi there. It's blank to meet you. Welcome to the Accounting Department, where the moral value of all human actions are evaluated. I'm Neutral Allen, but you can call me Irregular. My boss thought it'd be fun to give me an ironic nickname. Everything here is exact and precise. Ha ha. You must be here for the tour. Right this way, please." 

He directs you back to the lobby where you came from.

>oh fuck.jpg  
>paktay

He hurries you along. From further along the hallway you can hear the click-clack of heels. It seems someone is walking at an almost breakneck speed, excited to meet you.

A Japanese man in a black suit wearing high heels.

"You must be the tour group! I'm Sickle, Head of Accounting. Won't you join me?" he says with a smile.

You really should be making your way back to the Judge's office. But how?

>"ang havey naman ng mataas na takong mo"

You, a known POLYGLOT, are versed in numerous languages, including FILIPINO GAYSPEAK, also known as RAINBOWBABBLE. You compliment Sickle's high heels in the cryptic tongues of the glittersparkle queens.

"...Excuse me?" he says, trying to be polite.

You grab Adam's hand, and he notices your plan. He quickly takes Gammon's, who takes Julia's, who takes Luna's, who takes Allen's.

"Now, Allen!" you say.

Ping.

Allen brings you into his void and then back out again, this time in front of the Judge's office. Go in?

> ==>

You all enter the Judge's office. It's a long hall with marble pillars, like a bank. At the very end is a desk, which you all cautiously approach. Not even Luna's met the Judge. She's supposed to be the terrifying, all-powerful being that presides over all matters of the afterlife.

The chair suddenly swivels around, revealing a blonde woman in purple robes.

"Hiya! I'm Chirclatia, the Judge. Call me Chirk. What can I do for ya?"

>help

"Oh Miss Judge, please help us! We're four souls, a Bad Place architect, and a Good Place Allen. We come here to ask that you reopen our cases and reconsider our sentence. Surely there's something we can do?"

"Hmm. Gimme a sec, I'll just get your files," Chirclatia says. She walks on over to a mail tube, and out of which pops four scrolls.

"Julia Abelard, you were an effects specialist for Michael Bay movies. Gammon Octo, you were voted Most Boring Professor but your students five years in a row. Adam Moonlit, you stole your colleague's idea for Moogle, earning millions of dollars that should have been his. And Margarita Felix, you raised millions for charity just to get validation from your father."

She closes the file.

"What's there to reconsider? You're all bad people. Back to the Bad Place you go!" she says, opening up a portal. You can hear screaming from the other side.

>I WANT A LAWYER

"Not happening, hun! I'm the Judge, in case ya didn't hear. And if I don't see anything worth reconsidering, then there's nothing to reconsider. Capiche?"

"No!" you say. "No, no..."

>WAIT  
>"Did my charity mean nothing? And why does Gammon go to the bad place just for being boring?"

"Wait!" you say, failing to muster up anything else. Use your brain, Margarita! You've got to reason with her.

"Did my charity mean nothing? And why does Gammon go to The Bad Place just for being boring?"

"Let's put it in simple terms," Chirclatia explains. "For you to get positive points, your actions need to have good effects as well as good intentions. You, Margarita, put out a lot of good in the world, but your motivations were corrupt. It was all so you could feel good about yourself, and affirm that you were the perfect overachiever your father expected you to be."

She turns to Gammon.

"As for you, you never listened. You'd just ramble on and on about political and social theories. You hurt a lot of people by failing to listen to them!"

>you don't have all the facts (the facts are i love adam)

"You don't have all the facts!" 

You look at Adam, who smiles at you, filling your heart with bravery. Yes, you decide what you're going to say.

"Even if we weren't the best people on Earth, we certainly improved in the afterlife! We helped one another grow and develop. Are our scores really that unchangeable?" you ask.

Chirclatia looks surprised for a bit. "I wouldn't know if you've really improved."

"I can vouch for these humans!" Luna says. "I've seen them band together, stay with each other through thick and thin. They got through every challenge I threw at them, stronger and wiser! Their sentences were given based on their final score at their time of death, but they've clearly improved after they died! Won't you give them a chance to at least prove that?"

Chirclatia thinks for a bit more.

"Fine," she says. "I'll give the four of you individual tests to see if you've really improved."

She waves her hand, and then suddenly, you're transported to an entirely different room.

Pick a human to play as!

>margy, might as well stick to her

You continue to be Margarita.

You are in a small room. Standing in front of you is an UNFINISHED SCULPTURE of a woman, hewn from MARBLE. To your right is a desk of CHISELS and other CARVING TOOLS. In the wall facing you is a TIMER, showing how much time you have left - an hour and a half.

You search the room, and find nothing else. No exits, nothing.

What do you do?

>examine statue's face

It... looks like you. Crying.

>are we good at sculpting?  
>can we finish it within the hour?

You were great at sculpting! And painting and drawing. As a member of the refined Felix family, you made it a point to be a Renaissance woman, and part of that meant being skilled at the production and criticism of art.

People say art is subjective, but there's really only one way to categorize it. Perfect or not perfect.

>try finishing the sculpture?

You set off with record time, chiseling and carving away. You wipe your sweat as your refine the sculpture of yourself, carving in the details such as the texture of your hair or the flowing of your dress.

Just as you're about to finish, the chisels give out. No. No no no this can't happen. You've got ten minutes left, what do you do?!!

>step one don't panic  
>does the sculpture look finished?

You take some deep breaths.

There's still a lot of details to iron out! Oh my goodness you didn't carve the lace of your shoes or the trimming on your dress. What is wrong with you. You're stupid you're stupid you're stupid you're stupid

>step two don't panic

You try your best not to panic. You pace around the room, trying to clear your head. You eventually manage to get ahold of yourself.

>does it look reasonably enough like you?

It... does? You suppose so. You're not sure. Argh, five minutes!

>anything else in the room you can use as a chisel?

No, there isn't! You want to break down and cry.

Break down and cry?

>finished or not finished submit your goddamn work you can cry later  
>postpone crying

You decide, against every atom in your being, to submit your unfinished work. You did your best given the tools and the time limit! You take off your gloves, and lay them on the table.

The door opens. In walks Chirclatia.

"Well done, Margarita! The test for you was to let go of your perfectionism and to let yourself put out work that didn't necessarily measure up to your standards. And here I thought you were a puppet to everyone's expectations! Congratulations sweetie, you've passed the test."

>before that lie down on the floor and cry Now

"Ah... okay... thank you..." you say, getting down on the floor. "I think I need a minute."

You sob. Chirclatia looks on you with concern.

Pick another human.

>adam

You open your eyes, and find yourself at the end of a long hallway. In front of you is an almost equally long line of TECH NERDS, based on how they're dressed. They're all their phones, distracted.

What do you do?

>check out the end of the hallway

You peek ahead. At the end is a brightly-colored booth labeled: LATEST LPHONE 12. GET IT WHILE SUPPLIES LAST.

Okay you are definitely cutting in line.

>don't cut the goddamn line

You decide to wait it out, huffing the entire time. This line is taking forever.

>yeah lphone sucks leave  
>it's gonna break in two days  
>what's on the OTHER end of the hallway

It's a dead end. This must be the test.

The salesman at the booth calls out. "Last 10 units! We're having a free-for-all sale!"

The geeks in front of you start running in a frenzy, trying to get their hands on the lPhone. You feel your pocket and find a can of NERD-B-GONE, which is really just PEPPER SPRAY.

Use it?

>no  
>either don't use it or use it on yourself you nerd

You'd rather not use it on yourself. Ugh, fine. You wait it out.

Are you really not going to try and get an lPhone?

>abruptly remember gammon's lecture on the ethics of the production of Lphones

You... remember. Those were some nice days of ethics lesson with that nutty professor.

You still want that lPhone though. You want it bad. You hate it when other people have something that you don't. You hate missing opportunities to get ahead.

>stay in place

You stay in place. You even close your eyes, trying not to think about all those undeserving, CLASS-B NERDS who don't deserve the latest technology as much as you do. This is so stupid.

Eventually, the salesman announces that they're all out of lPhones.

A door appears, and opens. In walks Chirclatia.

"Well done, Adam! The test for you was to let go of need to get ahead of people and your feeling of entitlement to things. You were able to resist cutting in line, as well as cheating people whom you regarded to be beneath you. Congratulations sweetie, you've passed the test."

>==>

You are GAMMON OCTO. You are sitting at a desk, opposite a YOUNG CHILD. On the desk is nothing but a copy of George Orwell's Animal Farm. This is, according to the Judge, a test to see if your time in Luna's neighborhood has improved your moral standing.

What do you do?

>hi!

The child introduces herself as AILE, and politely says hello back.

>what's the child doing

She's just staring at you, as if expecting you to say something.

>wait what are you supposed to do with this child

The most straightforward explanation would be to explain the contents of the book to her. You are a professor after all. But what does this have to do with your morality? Weren't you being moral by teaching people how to organize society in the best possible way? Animal Farm is about politics and society, and you'd think even a child like Aile could definitely benefit from learning about it.

Do you begin explaining it to her?

>"what do you want to do?"

"You're my teacher, aren't you?" Aile asks. "I think you should start teaching, hehe."

>"You want to read a book about animals?"

"I mean, it sounds interesting," Aile says as she plays with her hair. "I just have trouble reading it. Lotsa big words. Can you tell me what happens?"

>TEACH HER ABOUT COMMUNIST REVOLUTION

Your initial urge is to launch into this full-blown tirade of Stalin's dictatorship and the Russian Revolution of 1917. You want to remark on how Molly the horse represents the elite bourgeoise who fled Russia once things got bad, or how Snowball the pig parallels Leon Trotsky.

But wait. You remember something Luna said to you before, during her roast. Sure it was a show to the other Bad Place demons, but... maybe she was onto something. Maybe you do get too eager to talk sometimes that you forget to listen to people.

>retell animal farm in even simpler language, and for the love of god, make it sound EXCITING for a kid  
>let her ask questions

You organize your thoughts. You tell Aile the story in simple terms: animals took over their farm, but then the pigs put an unfair system in place on the basis that they were smart. Eventually, the pigs got to enjoy all the power and the other animals were unhappy.

You let Aile ask questions, and you answer them. She eventually says,

"So the pigs... just took advantage of the other animals. They were meanies. And the other animals got used to it because they trusted the pigs."

"Yes, yes! I'm so glad you understand," you say, relieved.

>ask her if she knows any pigs in her life  
>or farmers, for that matter

"Hmm. I guess... all those politicians I see in the news. They always say they're helping people, but then they don't do that. They just keep things bad," Aile says.

A bell rings. The door behind Aile opens, and the Judge, Chirclatia, steps in.

"Well done, Gammon! The test for you was to learn to actually listen to people instead of always talking about things your way. You sought to understand Aile's context, and adjusted the way you spoke so that you'd be able to communicate with her effectively. Congratulations sweetie, you've passed the test."

Oh thank goodness. Since Chirclatia's an immortal being, you don't have to hold back on jargon and terminology. On the way back, you launch into the planned tirade, although not before saying goodbye to Aile.

>==>

Rewinding to right after Margarita, Adam and Gammon were teleported to their tests.

You are JULIA ABELARD, standing before the Judge, CHIRCLATIA. She looks at you top to bottom, and then starts talking.

"Actually, Julia, you're a special case. I've read your file, and after some deliberating, I've decided you don't need a test! You get to go straight to The Good Place."

She hands you a glowing medallion.

"This medallion will allow you to enter. Just go through that portal," she says, pointing to a swirling portal behind you.

What do you do?

>"wait what???"  
>"why???"

"Wait, what? Why? I'm sorry, but... I think there's been a mistake here," you say.

"No no, there hasn't been a mistake," Chirclatia says. "Your friends are doing their own tests right now, so you can wait for them. Or you can go to The Good Place right now."

>doubt.jpg  
>wait  
>"why do i deserve to go to the good place? Im a nobody..."

Chirclatia is silent for a bit.

"Well?" you ask.

"Well done, Julia! The test for you was to think about other people and not just give into your impulses. You may have been selfish when you were alive, but it seems you've grown past that. You're the first one to finish your test, so let's wait for the others. Also please give me that medallion back because that's actually a coaster for my sodas."

You wait. Chirclatia fetches Gammon, then Margarita, then Adam.

>wonder to yourself what kind of soda requires that kind of coaster

Probably some sort of cosmic soda, made of stardust and quasars or whatever immortal beings like Chirclatia like to drink while binging Netflix shows.

After gathering the four of you, Chirclatia opens another door, and out steps Luna and Allen.

"We're so proud of you, dearies! You passed the test!"

"...True. Although," Chirclatia says. "I don't think I'm willing to bend the rules just for these four humans. We have a system in place, Luna, and I can't make exceptions."

"But what if the system itself is flawed?" Allen says. "Based on my data, almost all actions of human beings on Earth have a negative ripple effect. Get lunch at a fast food restaurant, and you contribute to global warming. Carelessly repost something on social media, you aid the spread of misinformation. It's so hard and complicated. It's hard to be good nowadays. Although this may be presumptuous of me, a mere Allen, to say, but I think the system should be changed."

Chirclatia slaps her desk. "Well hot damn! I like your confidence, kid. Alright, I'll hear your case. I need some proof that these four humans are the rule and not the exception, though. I need proof that humans can improve after death."

"What are you proposing?" Luna asks.

"It's simple. We have a new experiment, this time with four completely new humans. You'll all facilitate it, but I get to put in place rules to make sure the results aren't tampered."

**Author's Note:**

> That was a wild ride! I had fun writing this. The Good Place S2E2 gave me the idea of using the Court End Crew for this AU, what with all the resets, the memory-wipes and the "we're stuck in this" vibes. It was a challenge to write something outside of canon (this is pretty much also a modern AU) but nonetheless it was fun.
> 
> Also Rahab as Mindy will always own my heart.


End file.
